I Miss My Smokes!!

Holy mother…do I miss them. I fought the urges all day long. And I mean fought hard. I had read the third day was the worst day. What they failed to say is this is a day for an epic failure. No one prepares you for this day. The cravings, the fact that I reached out for my smokes I don’t know how many times, the fatigue. Oh my GOSH…the fatigue. That was not expected. I expected to cough…I didn’t cough. Instead I wanted to sleep all day. Literally.

I dread going to work tomorrow. I have a high stress job as it is. They say that I will feel less stress when I quit smoking. Honestly, I’ll believe that when I see it. I’m scared to go to work tomorrow. Scared as in “what if I lose my temper and lose my job” scared. I work in a Corporate office that frowns horribly on smoking, but frowns just as much if you don’t have that fake plaster smile on your face. Everyone should be pleasant and proper at all times. You can’t have a personality at all. So the thought of quitting smoking there scares the bejeezus out of me. And the next couple of weeks will be especially bad for us payroll personnel, due to restricted stocks and annual bonuses.

 
Honestly, I’m not sure I can do this. Even my wit is gone. My blogs are usually halfway amusing. This is just dry and unfunny, which is exactly how I feel. Dry and unfunny. As I suck on this nicotine lozenge that is so nasty, but I can’t seem to find the Nicorette mini’s in 4mg anywhere around here. Only the 2mg. Ahem..I was a 2-3 pack a day smoker, 2mgs is not even going to be close to cutting it. Not unless folks want to see me go psycho on them. As in scream at them and call them obscenities psycho. Hmm…though I’m thinking that could be my plan for my commute??!!

wired.com If I were a guy this is what I will look like commuting without my smokes!

Yeah that will definitely be me tomorrow. I have mints where my ashtray used to be. MINTS. Though they are the yummy air puffy ones that just melt in your mouth. Kind of like minty spun air. I love those things…but not enough to keep me from screaming at everyone on the road. For crying out loud, I do it NOW. Can you imagine without my friend, the cigarette?

I suppose we shall see what tomorrow brings. Hopefully it won’t go as bad as I think it will. I’ll bring my nasty tasting lozenges, my e-cigarettes and my mints and see how I turn out.

Wish me luck!

 

Not Smoking Day 2 and other things in life

So this is my 2nd day of not smoking. I’ve got to tell you, I use nicotine replacement and while that totally helps the withdrawal symptoms, it certainly does not help the damn emotional roller coaster I am on.

I mean really now. My son forgot to get the bottled water I wanted. What did I do? CRY!! I freaking CRIED over bottled water. Now you folks don’t know me very well, but I am not a crier. I am the strong one. The one that takes care of everything. The one that when things fall apart, I say to my family as they are all falling apart and crying…”I will take care of it!” and I don’t cry ( I do chain smoke cigarettes through those times though, this could be a problem).

I am definitely not calm, like you see in pictures. Oh and no little band is dancing for me either. I shall be writing to Nicorette about that. I want my damn little dancing band.

And THIS happens yesterday. I post this on my facebook that I have quit smoking, please don’t call me, text me, or otherwise bother me. I just wanted to be left alone you know? I NO SOONER POST THAT than my MOTHER texts me that she is coming over. Then feigns ignorance. I call bullshit. I know my mother and I know damn well she came over specifically because she knew I didn’t want company. Then proceeds to tell me how pale I am, which is odd for me since I’m Italian and a gorgeous shade of brown in summer and a jaundice yellow in the winter. Either way, hard to tell if I’m pale faced.

And then she stays for well over an hour talking about all her troubles. As I pace the kitchen, wishing like hell I had my smokes and trying not to scream at her to just SHUT UP…for the Love of GOD…SHUT UP! I managed not to do this, but holy hell it was hard. Now, she used to smoke, she knows this is difficult. But see, here is the thing about my mother. This isn’t about her. So, it has to be. It’s okay, she finally left, I stomped through the house for a few turns. That made me feel better. My son didn’t utter a word or even turn his head from his computer. I guess he figured it would be best to just let Mom stomp it out. Or she’d freaking cry. Oh yeah, I was ready to cry AGAIN. But I didn’t. I STOMPED my way out of that cigarette.

Oh and since I’m so concerned about weight gain, which has been my mantra for all these years (Icantquitimightgainweight), I have bought an exercise bike which should be here Wednesday. So let’s just add some fuel to the fire. Let’s quit smoking and add burning leg pain and screaming ass muscles to the mix. Aw hell, in for a penny, in for a pound, right?

I should be a raving bitch by next Friday. Stay tuned……..

Life and Work and Quitting Smoking

Yep, I’ve been gone a long long while. No time to blog when you are working 12 hours a day EVERY SINGLE DAY. Even weekends. Did I get a bonus out of that? Nope. Did I get a raise higher than budgeted? Nope. My boss tells me I have the “satisfaction of a job well-done”. Uh huh…there is that, but it doesn’t get the bills paid, the house clean or my World of Warcraft guild back on it’s little feet. Ugh.

That is what we’ll be talking about today. Because THAT is all I can think about. The fact that I have not smoked today. The fact that I REALLY REALLY want a cigarette. The fact that I’ve tried this 100’s of times before and failed miserably. (Did I mention I wanted a smoke like uber badly?) The fact that I might gain weight. The fact that my head hurts like a bitch right now. (What I wouldn’t do for a smoke right this second)

There are some new things for the soon-to-be-ex-smoker. Please don’t ask me if that’s a word. I’m in the throes of nicotine withdrawal and frankly, I don’t really care. But there are some new things. I found some great iphone apps that help me. One lets me mash on buttons when I really want a smoke, but I resist. That makes me happy. It makes me at least feel like I am accomplishing something. Though the fact that I haven’t kicked my cat today is a total accomplishment in itself. And I ADORE my cat. However, he and his little brother are seriously getting on my nerves. They want to snuggle, I want to be left alone to feel sorry for myself and mourn the loss of my best friends…my smokes.

Yes…that’s right. Ask most smokers and as much as they hate the habit (and oh my gosh, are scorned for it), we do love our smokes themselves. They are always there in a pinch, in that time of stress. When you want to jerk the douche bag out of his car in front of you and beat his face in, you can turn to that trusty cigarette instead. (Holy crap, what the hell am I going to do Monday during my commute? Eat mints?) When your boss just treated you like a total piece of shit, you can turn to your best friend….the cigarette…. to get you through it without screaming obscenities at her and losing your job (Again, what the hell am I going to do Monday…eat a mint? Oh yeah, that will get the dopamine flowing!). Yep, that cigarette keeps the bills paid.

You can stop rolling your eyes or asking yourself how stupid I am. I know the above remark sounds stupid, it all sounds stupid, but it’s what we THINK. We are addicts, no different than alcoholics or drug addicts. However, for some reason we are treated differently than those addicts. Alcoholism is a disease. Smoking is just a nasty filthy habit that people can quit any time.

Anyone who feels like the above, I wish I could transfer what I feel to you right now. Those 4000+ extra chemicals that tobacco companies are putting in their cigarettes (did you know that up until this year, big tobacco was not made to disclose what was in each cigarette? Only God and the tobacco companies knew what was in a smoke) are doing a number on me. But oh hey, no worries, you’ll get over it in no time. Not true, most smokers relapse at about 3 months smoke-free.

Okay, I’m going to stop ranting, my fingers are swelling I swear. Hell of a way to spend a vacation day so sorely earned, eh?

I Need to Win the Lottery

Why you ask? Well besides the fact that folks say that money can’t buy happiness, I don’t quite believe that. I think it can. I think I can be perfectly happy never having to HAVE to work another day in my life again. Yes…pretty sure that would make me happy.

But today, it would have made me triple happy, since I think my boss implied I was fat. Yes, the same boss who thanked me a few days ago. He was obviously in a mood today and I didn’t help it by questioning a procedure he put into place. Pissed him off. I don’t care. It’s stupid and creates more work than is necessary. But he’s one of those guys that is always right.

Now again, I am in Payroll. My life goes to hell in a hand basket this time of year. Want those W-2 forms? That’s on my back and tons of work hours go with it. So I’m already irritable. It’s after hours and there is junk food like every where, being that it’s Christmas time. I will never understand why companies feel the need to overwhelm their customers with bad food this time of year. My hips expand just thinking about it. Send us booze, that’s what we need. Alcohol and lots of it. Not all this crap they send.

So there are cupcakes on the desk right in front of my directors office. We are bullshitting about something, I don’t remember what. Oh yeah…that bunch of one dollar bills in his desk. He said they were to make change, I started laughing and said “uh huh….suuuuuuurreeeeee”. So we are both snickering and the big boss does a drive by insult to me. As he’s walking through he spots that last cupcake and says “R, there is one cupcake left, you KNOW you want it”. Ok first of all, it was a blue iced fucking cupcake. Know what blue icing does to your teeth and lips? It makes them fucking blue. Second, I don’t like your implications.

You know what? I know damn well I’ve put on about 10 pounds. You have to make it worse? And before you guys say I’m over reacting, this guy is a runner. He runs every day. Well, I guess he wants a bucky fucking beaver badge for that. Tell you what there big guy, put in the hours I’m putting in, add my 2 hour commute and I want to see you still have time to run. He considers himself an athlete and since we are not, we suck.

To say I was a bit pissed off is an understatement. I went quietly into my office and stewed on those words. They hurt. Getting older blows, the weight gain that comes with it triple blows. I’m already struggling here and you want to insult me? Honestly, I wanted to take the blue icing and smash it all in his buzz cut hair. That would’ve made me feel better. However, I have a mortgage and other bills and I would have lost my job over that.

What he doesn’t know is that me and a few of my friends have started a walking regimen on our lunch breaks. Helps with stress reduction and I’m hoping these 10 pounds will go away. There is a hill on our walking path and that hill has kicked my ass every time so far. Tomorrow, I will top that damn hill, I won’t complain about it (I really hate that hill!!) and he can SUCK IT.

And when these 10 pounds come off and they WILL come off, then he can really SUCK IT.

Coconut Water-WTF??

So I’m on this health kick lately, because you know life thinks it’s funny to kick chicks right in the ass when they hit a certain age. We freaking gain weight just by looking and smelling foods, which is bullshit of the highest order.

Now let’s get something out in the open right now. I do not like water. Yes, you heard me. I dislike drinking something that is odorless and tasteless. I much prefer my 14 pots of coffee a day. With flavored creamer. A lot of it. Water is….just….plain. I’ve tried Crystal Light. Gross. I’ve tried just plain lemon water. Gross. I tried some orange crap someone at work gave me to encourage me to drink water. Double Gross. They were insulted when I spit it in the sink. Maybe they should have listened when I said I wouldn’t like it. But they **insisted** so it’s on them. Not me. Well maybe a little on me, I suppose I could have swallowed it. But that wouldn’t have proved my “please do not foist your shit on me because you like it and you think my coffee habit is unhealthy” point.

So my Mom just raves about this coconut water. Tells me how wonderful it is. How awesome, how she loves it and drinks it all the time. Okay, food for thought. So I buy like 5 of the little boxes that kind of remind me of juice boxes.

 

 

See that———————–>>

It’s got to be the nastiest stuff I have ever put in my mouth. Worse than the orange crap.

 

 

 

Seriously, it tasted like dishwater. I expected it to taste like coconut. It did not taste like coconut. There was no yummy coconut taste. There was dishwater taste. Dirty, nasty dishwater.

 

 

See them—————>>

They wouldn’t drink it. They gave me the “I hate you and I hope you die” look when they sniffed it. And the stupid black kitten will pretty much eat or drink anything you give him and wag his tail like a dog. Seriously. He has identity issues I think.

 

 

So I text my Mom and ask her WTF?? Politely of course. She texts me back that she just doesn’t understand me. Well, hell, we knew that 40+ years ago. Nothing new there. Then she says “give it to your son, since you don’t like it”. What??!! Has she FORGOTTEN??!!! When my son was a baby, for his first birthday, we got a cake with some coconut on it. Well we found out quickly he doesn’t like coconut. He would try to eat it and gag. But still, that baby valiantly tried to eat his cake. Bite…Gag…Bite….Gag…as we laughed our asses off. I giggle now when I think of it. Poor kid, having me for a parent. But in our defense (and yes, I include my ex-husband in that and I hate defending him for anything), we did go buy the baby a cupcake, which he managed to eat without gagging.

So I’ve decided these must leave my house tomorrow. These gross nasty things must come to work with me. And you know where they will land? Orange drink ladies desk. Oh yes, I’ve decided they should go to her. As a gift. From me. I wonder if she’ll spit or swallow??

 

 

Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares

My newest TV obsession. I just found this show, even though it’s been in the US for at least 4 years now. Longer in the UK. I’m not sure what I find so fascinating about this show. The fact that folks let their restaurants get in that bad of shape or the fact that he is a complete jerkwad at times.

Like that above. You can just TELL he’s pissed off at someone. But then……..just about the time you want to hate his guts, he redeems himself by being sweet. Or putting a family back together. Or backing off when one of the women start to cry and that always seems to happen. They always cry. It’s kind of embarrassing really to the rest of us women. I am not a crier and I certainly would do my best to NOT cry on TV. But oh my GOSH…the women on this show, it seems that’s all they do. One restaurant owner locked herself in the bathroom for hours. Literally. She stayed in the bathroom bawling her eyes out…you could hear her…while Gordon and her staff relaunched her restaurant. Are you serious?

But today, I was glad it was my new obsession, since I am so damn tired I can barely get my laundry done. On a rare vacation day from work and all I want to do is sleep. So I spent several hours in bed. Me, my DVR and my cats who were thrilled to cuddle up and sleep. Oh I only have two cats so you all don’t think I’m this crazy middle aged cat lady.

But yeah, back to this fatigue thing. I am not amused by it. I’ve always been the type that can GO GO GO. Now it seems to just hit me randomly. There have been days at work that I’ve had to take a nap in my car on my lunch break to make it through the day. And yes, I take a multi-vitamin. No I’m not on medications. Yes, I could be going through menopause, though I’m not sure and my new OB-GYN seemed to blow off all my symptoms. I tried to talk to her, she pretty much said “sounds like the beginnings of menopause, have a nice day” and she whisked out the door. How’s that for support? Sheesh.

I just never seem to know when I’m going to have a day like today. I make sure I get between 6 and 7 hours sleep a night. More or less than that and I suck for the day. I probably should go to the doctor but I have no other symptoms. What am I going to tell him. “Hey Doc, I’m tired”. “No, there is nothing else”. “No, I really can’t think of a reason I’m this tired”. “Yes, I’m getting enough sleep”. I know my doctor would try to find the cause but I’m not sure I want to go through all the testing he’ll feel the need to put me through.

So I got pretty tight with old Gordon up there as I laid in bed telling my body “Get your ass UP and go put the laundry in” and my body responding by telling me to “fuck off” in body language. Hehe…get it?…my body telling me in body language? Ok, you can all stop rolling your eyes now. It was lame, but I couldn’t help it. 🙂

Seriously though, this has got to stop. It’s interfering with my life now.

If anyone has been through this kind of fatigue with menopause, I’d love to know about it. And how you adapted to it.

Hair Assault at a Mall Kiosk

I’m dead serious. See…it all started when they handed me a free sample. Now truth be told, I’m a sucker for pretty much anything FREE. So I swear I stopped for like 2 seconds and next thing I know this dude has his hands all in my hair with some STUFF that was supposed to make my hair awesome. Now my hair looked pretty good when I hit the mall on my lunch break. And frankly, my hair is a HUGE pain in the ass. Halfway down my back and curly. So I have a simple maintenance routine. Wash it, condition the shit out of it, condition it some more, throw some spray gel and scrunch and walk the hell away from the mirror. Works like a charm…provided you do not touch it. Then it turns into this frizzy fucking mess.

How my hair day started….

 

How my hair day ended!!

Okay it was horrible. I kept trying to get away but he HAD MY HAIR. Are you fucking serious right now? My friend who was with me was all the way down the aisle and no help at all. I swear…she left me. Not cool. She’s lucky she got a ride back to work.

I finally escaped him when he reached for the curling iron informing me he was going to style my hair. I freaked out…told him heat didn’t TOUCH my hair, heat was BAD for  my hair and I started to walk away. He follows me down the way with a free bottle of some soy crap that he must’ve put in my hair. I don’t know if he felt bad but honestly, he was all in my space. You ever meet one of those folks that get so close to you that they blur? That was him. I’m backing away, he’s following the whole time. Now I had Sbarro’s for lunch…I know I had garlic breath. He didn’t seem to give a fuck. Was just all up ON ME.

Honestly, I just wanted to punch him in the face. Then he starts telling me he’s from Israel. And? Did his pushy self want a Bucky Beaver Badge for that or what? Now I’m seriously pissed………….and……oh my GOD…it gets better. I’m right next to another kiosk. And I swear this woman was his sister. Same looks, same accent, also informed me she was from Israel and promptly put some Dead Sea salt in my hands. Okay..seriously…now WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!  I’m absolutely furious at this point. Even my friend was stunned and she’s from Detroit, it takes a lot to stun her. Now whoever this chick is is rubbing this salt on my hands…overly aggressive douchebag has wandered back to his kiosk. I’m so pissed I can barely see straight when she sprays water on my hands.

At this point, I have had enough. I start to throw my hands around to get this shit OFF OF ME. She hands me a paper towel. As if I give a fuck about her paper towel. I get that shit off my hands, throw the free shit on her counter along with the paper towel. Literally tell her to FUCK OFF and walk away.

I now smell like…I don’t know what. An old bar of Ivory Soap maybe? My friend is like…”so yeah, you stink”. I just GLARE at her and we go back to work where I hide in my office with my icky soap smell and my hair looking like a frizzy fucking mess and stew on this crap for like an hour.

When the hell did kiosk people get so aggressive? Don’t touch people like that. It’s guaranteed to get you in trouble. It took everything not to push that chick to the floor. I would have gotten arrested for assault and that’s bullshit.

I will say this much, I give myself much kudos for not just seriously freaking out on one of them. It took almost everything in me. It takes a LOT for me to lose my temper, but I was pretty damn close today.

So…heh…that was my day. How was yours?

Black Friday and the search for a computer..

So here we are, the day after Thanksgiving, when the Christmas holiday revs up, our lives go to shit trying to get everything done and work really goes to hell in a handbasket. On that note, I want to share a very funny picture I ripped off Facebook this morning, courtesy of my brother:

Santa being dissed by his reindeer…

Either you’re laughing stupidly like I did, which means you share my somewhat twisted sense of humor, or you’re shaking your head wondering what’s so funny. That happens to me a lot actually.

So back to the Black Friday thing. I got up at my usual 4:30 am. Yes, I get up at 4:30 am every day, even my days off. I can’t help it. My body is trained. My Dad did this to me. When I was young..oh say, around 10 years old all through my teenage years..my Dad would get me out of bed to tag along with him pretty much wherever he went. So my body is trained to get up that early. Anyway, I hit the Black Friday sales online. I must say I totally scored for my son at one store. In shorts and a t-shirt, cup of coffee in hand. Now THAT is my kind of shopping. I got all that he was getting, except for the sneakers (or tennis shoes, as they like to call them in South).  I have to get him one more thing and I’m done Christmas shopping and I’m STOKED about it.

However, after this I thought…hmm…wonder what’s on sale in the computer world. I am still running a Dual Core processor, 4 gigs of ram and Windows XP. It’s definitely time for an upgrade. Well……I struck out. Desktops evidently are no longer a popular item at Christmas. If I had wanted a laptop or a tablet, I would’ve done great. But a desktop? Forget about it. It didn’t even come close to happening. I don’t consider $40 off a sale. And I hit everyone from Amazon to Staples to Tiger Direct and New Egg with like 20 stores in between. It was disheartening to see. My very first Black Friday, where I rolled out of bed at 4am (not really a hardship) with my Mom ( a HUGE hardship for her) and hit CompUSA at 5am. We both totally scored on a computer back then. Now they aren’t even a factor.

So I guess I’m going to upgrade mine. New motherboard, new processor, Windows 7. However, even though I have changed everything else in my computers over the years, I have never upgraded the mobo/processor or the hard drive. And frankly, I’m a bit concerned over my lack of knowledge. I don’t really know what plugs into where, you know? So this will be an interesting lesson that I hope doesn’t blow my computer all to hell.

Any helpful tips that my readers can share with me?

Monday…enough said, yes?

This is totally how I felt at work yesterday. We have one woman who does NOTHING but raise hell all day long. We hear her and it just pisses the rest of the team off. Frankly, all we want to do is shut her the hell up. It’s ridiculous that one person is allowed to wreak so much havoc on other people’s work days. Quite frankly, what has happened to her at this point is the rest of us don’t care and will NOT help her unless we absolutely are forced to by our boss. Of course I consider him just as guilty for allowing it to happen. He needs to grow a pair of balls and send her back to her office. We have year end coming and it’s always a super stressful time for us and it’s going to be hell. Did I ever mention I do payroll? Yep, I’m that important person at your job that you totally forget about until I fuck up your check. Then you know my name. LMAO…you all know it’s true.

On the WoW front, we made it through another heroic last night. I got a trinket. One point and I’ll be ready to make an ass out of myself in LFR. I can’t wait…well..I can but I have to do it, you know? Momma needs gear. Can’t lead my group unless I can take them where they need to go.

And..my son passed his at home drug tests finally. YAY!! Means he was telling me the truth on the whole weed thing. Yes, part of me wondered.

So tell me, how do you handle the fucktards at work?

World of Warcraft and Recruiting for your guild…or mine…

I think I have mentioned before that I have a guild called Reality Check on the Anvilmar server in World of Warcraft. I’m the GM…and the recruiter…and the raid leader…and the enforcer. I’m everything even though I have officers in place. And here I am trying to put together a raid team. I lost two tanks in the last few months. One, who was always my other tank and I have an excellent gaming rapport with, got married and his wife hates that he plays. Don’t understand it, but it’s not my life. The other I lost due to some jackwads causing major problems in our guild and he got caught up in the fallout. However…..he has since taken their side. People that I have opened three tickets on since they continually harass my little guild. It’s kind of like…MOVE THE FUCK ON ALREADY…we don’t care, we don’t want your drama and things these guys were saying to the ladies was unbelievable. Things like telling a 14 year old in vent she should already be having sex. Telling one of our ladies that she should shake her 2 year old until it shuts up. And they wonder why we don’t want them? They are horrible examples of people as they wag their e-peen all over the place. Craziness…but it certainly didn’t help my raid team situation.

So yeah, I need a tank, I need another healer, I need a few more dps. I can’t get ANYONE. I don’t do anything but recruit without trying to spam trade too much..maybe once every ten minutes or so. But oh my GOSH as soon as I do, it seems like every single guild on the server does the same damn thing and mine just vanishes. The competition is ridiculous. I don’t know how the hell we are going to get anywhere progression wise.

What’s sad is back in the ICC days we had one hell of a team. Patient, determined, understanding when someone fucked up…and someone always does. Then along came Cataclysm and it just fell apart. So many quit. And I’ve been trying to put this team together ALONE since Cata came out. And having no success. At this point, I just don’t know what the hell to do.

On a personal note,  my son is still failing his damn drug tests. We’ve been testing every day, twice a day. Still failing. Hell, I took one just to make sure they worked. Oh and for the record, I passed.