I Miss My Smokes!!

Holy mother…do I miss them. I fought the urges all day long. And I mean fought hard. I had read the third day was the worst day. What they failed to say is this is a day for an epic failure. No one prepares you for this day. The cravings, the fact that I reached out for my smokes I don’t know how many times, the fatigue. Oh my GOSH…the fatigue. That was not expected. I expected to cough…I didn’t cough. Instead I wanted to sleep all day. Literally.

I dread going to work tomorrow. I have a high stress job as it is. They say that I will feel less stress when I quit smoking. Honestly, I’ll believe that when I see it. I’m scared to go to work tomorrow. Scared as in “what if I lose my temper and lose my job” scared. I work in a Corporate office that frowns horribly on smoking, but frowns just as much if you don’t have that fake plaster smile on your face. Everyone should be pleasant and proper at all times. You can’t have a personality at all. So the thought of quitting smoking there scares the bejeezus out of me. And the next couple of weeks will be especially bad for us payroll personnel, due to restricted stocks and annual bonuses.

 
Honestly, I’m not sure I can do this. Even my wit is gone. My blogs are usually halfway amusing. This is just dry and unfunny, which is exactly how I feel. Dry and unfunny. As I suck on this nicotine lozenge that is so nasty, but I can’t seem to find the Nicorette mini’s in 4mg anywhere around here. Only the 2mg. Ahem..I was a 2-3 pack a day smoker, 2mgs is not even going to be close to cutting it. Not unless folks want to see me go psycho on them. As in scream at them and call them obscenities psycho. Hmm…though I’m thinking that could be my plan for my commute??!!

wired.com If I were a guy this is what I will look like commuting without my smokes!

Yeah that will definitely be me tomorrow. I have mints where my ashtray used to be. MINTS. Though they are the yummy air puffy ones that just melt in your mouth. Kind of like minty spun air. I love those things…but not enough to keep me from screaming at everyone on the road. For crying out loud, I do it NOW. Can you imagine without my friend, the cigarette?

I suppose we shall see what tomorrow brings. Hopefully it won’t go as bad as I think it will. I’ll bring my nasty tasting lozenges, my e-cigarettes and my mints and see how I turn out.

Wish me luck!

 

Not Smoking Day 2 and other things in life

So this is my 2nd day of not smoking. I’ve got to tell you, I use nicotine replacement and while that totally helps the withdrawal symptoms, it certainly does not help the damn emotional roller coaster I am on.

I mean really now. My son forgot to get the bottled water I wanted. What did I do? CRY!! I freaking CRIED over bottled water. Now you folks don’t know me very well, but I am not a crier. I am the strong one. The one that takes care of everything. The one that when things fall apart, I say to my family as they are all falling apart and crying…”I will take care of it!” and I don’t cry ( I do chain smoke cigarettes through those times though, this could be a problem).

I am definitely not calm, like you see in pictures. Oh and no little band is dancing for me either. I shall be writing to Nicorette about that. I want my damn little dancing band.

And THIS happens yesterday. I post this on my facebook that I have quit smoking, please don’t call me, text me, or otherwise bother me. I just wanted to be left alone you know? I NO SOONER POST THAT than my MOTHER texts me that she is coming over. Then feigns ignorance. I call bullshit. I know my mother and I know damn well she came over specifically because she knew I didn’t want company. Then proceeds to tell me how pale I am, which is odd for me since I’m Italian and a gorgeous shade of brown in summer and a jaundice yellow in the winter. Either way, hard to tell if I’m pale faced.

And then she stays for well over an hour talking about all her troubles. As I pace the kitchen, wishing like hell I had my smokes and trying not to scream at her to just SHUT UP…for the Love of GOD…SHUT UP! I managed not to do this, but holy hell it was hard. Now, she used to smoke, she knows this is difficult. But see, here is the thing about my mother. This isn’t about her. So, it has to be. It’s okay, she finally left, I stomped through the house for a few turns. That made me feel better. My son didn’t utter a word or even turn his head from his computer. I guess he figured it would be best to just let Mom stomp it out. Or she’d freaking cry. Oh yeah, I was ready to cry AGAIN. But I didn’t. I STOMPED my way out of that cigarette.

Oh and since I’m so concerned about weight gain, which has been my mantra for all these years (Icantquitimightgainweight), I have bought an exercise bike which should be here Wednesday. So let’s just add some fuel to the fire. Let’s quit smoking and add burning leg pain and screaming ass muscles to the mix. Aw hell, in for a penny, in for a pound, right?

I should be a raving bitch by next Friday. Stay tuned……..

Life and Work and Quitting Smoking

Yep, I’ve been gone a long long while. No time to blog when you are working 12 hours a day EVERY SINGLE DAY. Even weekends. Did I get a bonus out of that? Nope. Did I get a raise higher than budgeted? Nope. My boss tells me I have the “satisfaction of a job well-done”. Uh huh…there is that, but it doesn’t get the bills paid, the house clean or my World of Warcraft guild back on it’s little feet. Ugh.

That is what we’ll be talking about today. Because THAT is all I can think about. The fact that I have not smoked today. The fact that I REALLY REALLY want a cigarette. The fact that I’ve tried this 100’s of times before and failed miserably. (Did I mention I wanted a smoke like uber badly?) The fact that I might gain weight. The fact that my head hurts like a bitch right now. (What I wouldn’t do for a smoke right this second)

There are some new things for the soon-to-be-ex-smoker. Please don’t ask me if that’s a word. I’m in the throes of nicotine withdrawal and frankly, I don’t really care. But there are some new things. I found some great iphone apps that help me. One lets me mash on buttons when I really want a smoke, but I resist. That makes me happy. It makes me at least feel like I am accomplishing something. Though the fact that I haven’t kicked my cat today is a total accomplishment in itself. And I ADORE my cat. However, he and his little brother are seriously getting on my nerves. They want to snuggle, I want to be left alone to feel sorry for myself and mourn the loss of my best friends…my smokes.

Yes…that’s right. Ask most smokers and as much as they hate the habit (and oh my gosh, are scorned for it), we do love our smokes themselves. They are always there in a pinch, in that time of stress. When you want to jerk the douche bag out of his car in front of you and beat his face in, you can turn to that trusty cigarette instead. (Holy crap, what the hell am I going to do Monday during my commute? Eat mints?) When your boss just treated you like a total piece of shit, you can turn to your best friend….the cigarette…. to get you through it without screaming obscenities at her and losing your job (Again, what the hell am I going to do Monday…eat a mint? Oh yeah, that will get the dopamine flowing!). Yep, that cigarette keeps the bills paid.

You can stop rolling your eyes or asking yourself how stupid I am. I know the above remark sounds stupid, it all sounds stupid, but it’s what we THINK. We are addicts, no different than alcoholics or drug addicts. However, for some reason we are treated differently than those addicts. Alcoholism is a disease. Smoking is just a nasty filthy habit that people can quit any time.

Anyone who feels like the above, I wish I could transfer what I feel to you right now. Those 4000+ extra chemicals that tobacco companies are putting in their cigarettes (did you know that up until this year, big tobacco was not made to disclose what was in each cigarette? Only God and the tobacco companies knew what was in a smoke) are doing a number on me. But oh hey, no worries, you’ll get over it in no time. Not true, most smokers relapse at about 3 months smoke-free.

Okay, I’m going to stop ranting, my fingers are swelling I swear. Hell of a way to spend a vacation day so sorely earned, eh?